Charles Portis Quotes

I went up a straight crooked lane and, I said 'No thanks, yes if yer please.

Pair up in threes.

You can't go forward and backwards at the same time.

Why do I need I.D. to get I.D.? If I had I.D. I wouldn't need I.D.

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.

You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time.

"It's very good jam," said the Queen. "Well, I don't want any to-day, at any rate." "You couldn't have it if you did want it," the Queen said. "The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday but never jam to-day." "It must come sometimes to "jam to-day,""Alice objected. "No it can't," said the Queen. "It's jam every other day; to-day isn't any other day, you know." "I don't understand you," said Alice. "It's dreadfully confusing."

If no love is, O God, what fele I so? And if love is, what thing and which is he? If love be good, from whennes cometh my woo? If it be wikke, a wonder thynketh me

One can't have it both ways and both ways is the only way I want it.

I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

I'm pretty confusing. But I do have an oil rig in my back yard.

If you walk backwards, you'll find out you can go forwards and people won't know if you're coming or going.

Do you clean yourself before you take a bath?

I conclude that there is as much sense in nonsense as there is nonsense in sense.

One of the greatest pleasures I get from my measly professional career is confusing people. "Wait - he beats women and seems like a Nazi, but he has impeccable grammar and keen reasoning skills and sings country music and can, from time to time, say or do something really funny?" It absolutely doesn't compute for them. I enjoy that immensely.

Jamie: You're acting like a crazy person, what's going on? Landon: Right now, you're straddling the state line. Jamie: OK... Landon: You're in two places at once.

The impossible could not have happened, therefore the impossible must be possible in spite of appearances.

I really had no idea you'd be this stupid but then again you were the only person that really got me

There is a place where Contrarieties are equally True.

In these times I don't, in a manner of speaking, know what I want; perhaps I don't want what I know and want what I don't know.

Change of the unchangeable would be a contradiction.

Life is a paradox. Every truth has its counterpart which contradicts it; and every philosopher supplies the logic his own undoing.

Chaos of thought and passion, all confused; Still by himself abused or disabused; Created half to rise, and half to fall; Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all; Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurled,- The glory, jest, and riddle of the world.

Your inside is out and your outside is in.