Mark Twain Quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Dying man couldn't make up his mind which place to go to-both have their advantages, heaven for the climate, hell for the company!

I was raised Catholic, but the devil was never with a pitchfork.

Heaven and hell are something that people create to make some people feel guilty and other people like myself laugh.

We don't really have to make fun of religion - it makes fun of itself.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.

It is a challenge. When you do things that are comedy, you're having to look at the funnier side of life. Often I find Christians - but not just Christians, (any) people who have a certain core belief of things - don't like to have fun made of them at all.

There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.

The principle difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there.

When Nixon died, on my radio show I started doing sketches with three basic conceits: One, there's a place called Heaven. Two, Nixon got in. And three, he's still taping.

I've been an atheist ever since I heard there was only a stairway to heaven

Men have feverishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell to find it ridiculous.

The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, "Where is the best place to go to?" He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, and hell for society.

But learned people can analyze for me why I fear hell and their implication is that there is no hell. But I believe in hell. Hell seems a great deal more feasible to my weak mind than heaven. No doubt because hell is a more earth-seeming thing. I can fancy the tortures of the damned but I cannot imagine the disembodied souls hanging in a crystal for all eternity praising God.

We are in the world to laugh. In purgatory or in hell we shall no longer be able to do so. And in heaven it would not be proper.

Only in this world do we laugh: in hell, it won't be possible; and in heaven, it won't be proper.

I love comedy, because I like making fun of things even though they are dramatic.

Neutrinos have mass? i didn't even know they're Catholic!" Robert to Vittoria

Everything can be made fun of. The most serious things are ripe for making fun of them.

...heaven for climate, and hell for society.

What are you going to call the place?" "I haven't decided yet. Carrington wants to call it Clippety-Do-Da or Hairway to Heaven . . . but I told her we have to be a little bit classier." "Julius Scissors," I suggested. "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow," Jack joined in. Liberty covered her ears. "I'll go out of business in the first week.

That's sort of what I wanted to make fun of a little bit with Don Jon. And I think oftentimes, if you're going to talk about a sort of substantial topic like this, the best way to do it is with a sense of humor.

No philosophical theory which I have yet come across is a radical improvement on the words of Genesis, that 'In the beginning God made Heaven and Earth'.

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.