Mallory Ortberg Quotes

It's just that I don't think friends tie friends to the bedpost." James choked on his tea. "Caroline, you have no idea.

I'm friends with Taylor Swift, and I am tired of people asking me questions about our friendship. When I post a picture of us on Instagram, I'm posting a picture of me and my friend.

The dynamic of a relationship changes when one person gets sober.

There aren't really many compliments flying around with me and my friends. It's a lot of tough love. But you know, that love is there, and if you need to have a serious conversation, you just gotta wait for the right time to do it.

Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'

People stopped hanging out with me at the point when I stopped doing drugs. All of a sudden they didn't wanna hang out with me anymore. And I would have hung out with them. I mean they were killing themselves, but I still would have hung out with them.

A good litmus test is that you should be comfortable with your significant other being present when you hang out with your friend.

In 1980, we just ran out of steam. After about 15 years, Don Henley and Glenn Frey came to me and said, 'We have been thinking of starting the Eagles back up again, and we can't do it without you, and we can't do it unless you're sober.' I was just about homeless.

When you're friends with somebody, it's really easy to tell them 'Help me do this; help me do that.' It's not an uncomfortable conversation.

I think the hardest part for musicians is what a wide gulf of time there is between when you decide to sober up and when you have the ability to navigate being social and having relationships and being in a band and having friends while sober.

You want to be around people who you feel comfortable with and you feel like show you the love that you show to them.

I think it's important to be friends with the person you have to kiss onstage in front of a hundred people. You might not be friends in real life - especially if you're in high school - but you need to at least be 'secret friends' for it to work. Try to be comfortable with each other.

I feel like if you wanna be sober and you can't handle being around someone who drinks, then don't do it.

I just think the whole disease model of addiction is crap. It's rooted in fiction and junk science.

Heroin, forget it. In my neighborhood, I could see what heroin did firsthand and I was definitely afraid of that number.

To quote Homer Simpson, alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems. I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking and drug use, if people can do it and not hurt themselves. But it got to the point where I was really hurting myself.

We know when we have had enough of a friend, and we know when a friend has had enough of us. The first truth is no more palatable than the second.

So are you an inmate or a rubbernecker?" she asks. "Rubbernecker," I answer without hesitation. "You?" "I'm a screw. Or on staff, anyway. Used to be an inmate. Repeat offender. Crimes against my body. Puking sickness followed by heroin, which led to more puking sickness." I'd be surprised at her forthrightness, but that's addicts for you. The twelve steps crack 'em open and then they can't shut up.

The dividing line [between friends and acquaintances] is communication, I think. A friend is someone to whom you can say any jackass thing that enters your mind. With acquaintances, you are forever aware of their slightly unreal image of you, and to keep them content, you edit yourself to fit. Many marriages are between acquaintances. You can be with a person for three hours of your life and have a friend. Another will remain an acquaintance for thirty years.

I did drugs for 18 years and I never got that bad as to say, 'You know what? I think the Kaiser Chiefs are brilliant.'

When you're in a functional friendship or a functional relationship, and you feel like you've got something to share, you can share it with a friend, a lover or whatever.

In truth I never really liked any of the heavy drugs, because normally my energy is up when I'm performing, and that's about it. Cocaine is nothing new. It's the pressure, I think. People use it to relieve that, and for me it is about getting numb and forgetting. I have a reverse metabolic reaction to the stuff.

As for drugs, it annoys me that people think it's the worst thing in the world compared with, say, not paying your taxes. If you don't pay tax, you may be stealing from someone who needs an operation. As for me and drugs or alcohol: No thanks, I'm abstaining for a while.

I think being compassionate of each other's lives and issues is nonnegotiable when it comes to friendships. We're all going through different stages and issues, and as I get older, I'm trying to lean into that.

I was like one of those newspapers, those periodicals. There's all different kinds of alcoholics. There's the everyday kind: that's the consistent one. That's what people think an alcoholic is-but an alcoholic is basically just someone who's allergic to alcohol. That's all it means. It's just an allergy.