Andrew Mason Quotes

Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?'

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

The secret to humor is surprise.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.

Surprise is not humor. I think that there can be a fine line there.

When I say something untrue on the air, I mean for it to be transparently untrue. I assume people know when I'm just saying something for effect. Or to be funny.

In the end, everything is a gag.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Comedians in general make their living calling liars on their lies.

My favorite show tune has got to be Stephen Sondheim's 'I Remember Sky.' It's probably the saddest song of all time; I sing it to myself in the mirror. No, I am kidding. That's the joke.

To be perfectly honest with you, I think that The Darkness is a joke, and that's, unfortunately, exactly what the world wants.

Fake buckteeth make a joke that you don't have to make any effort on, even if you're not a funny person.

His whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling.

A joke is a joke or the image of a truth.

He was having more fun than a barrelful of monkeys.* *Several years earlier Spider had actually been tremendously disappointed by a barrelful of monkeys. It had done nothing he had considered particularly entertaining, apart from emit interesting noises, and eventually, once the noises had stopped and the monkeys were no longer doing anything at all—except possibly on an organic level—had needed to be disposed of in the dead of night.

Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known.

I am a comedian and you guys know whatever I say, I don't mean any of it.

The most important thing in comedy - apart from empathy, which I think is important even if disguised - is surprise. I like surprising people with the fact that something's even a joke at all.

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoking signals last year.

Irony: Don't let yourself be controlled by it, especially during uncreative moments.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

People who go for humor are wonderful because they do great humor. People who go for wit and end up with humor are people who have made a mistake.