He is very fond of making things which he does not want, and then giving them to people who have no use for them.
I have always told my family that I don't want my birthday to be celebrated and that they shouldn't get me anything, even though if they didn't I'd probably write a standup routine about it.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
The books we think we ought to read are poky, dull, and dry The books that we would like to read we are ashamed to buy The books that people talk about we never can recall And the books that people give us, oh, they're the worst of all.
Political advice is a bit like your average Christmas fruitcake: something everyone gives and no one wants.
If you were ever dumped after knitting a guy a sweater, consider the possibility that the problem was with the sweater, not you. The recipient probably took one look at the thing, imagined a lifetime of having to pretend to like (and wear) this sweater and others of its like, and saw no choice but to flee into the night
Real men don't know what they want for Christmas. Despite the fact I'm deeply disappointed every Christmas. I pride myself on not wanting anything. Children want things, women want things, dogs and cats want things, but men don't.
They always gives me bath salts," complained Nobby. "And bath soap and bubble bath and herbal bath lumps and tons of bath stuff and I can't think why, 'cos it's not as if I hardly ever has a bath. You'd think they'd take the hint, wouldn't you?
Objects we ardently pursue bring little happiness when gained; most of our pleasures come from unexpected sources.
I'm going to hide - I always do on my birthday, I never celebrate birthdays.
Though her husband often went on business trips, she hated to be left alone. "I've solved your problem," he said. "I've bought you a St. Bernard. Its name is Great Reluctance. Now, when I go away, you shall know that I am leaving you with Great Reluctance!" She hit him with a waffle iron.
For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry.
Some men send me condoms and underpants. I'm not sure what they want.
The way to screw up somebody's life is to give them what they want.
Loads of weirdos send me things, like strange bits of leather. And then there was the guy who thought I was having his baby. Apparently, he's been writing to Princess Anne too, so I clearly belong to a good, erm, sub-section of society.
The joke may be that no one likes fruitcake, but if that were the case, they wouldn't appear on store shelves every holiday season!
I don't give books as gifts. Books are extremely personal, and I would hate to give someone a book that they don't like or want, because it would break my heart if they didn't read it.
I think what we've done is given children a lot of things that they didn't ask for instead of what they do want.
Do not ask for what you will wish you had not got.
I got given a pair of Christmas socks with penguins on. They know you're obviously not going to wear them. I think they do it just to annoy you, to be honest.
Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
Souvenirs always tend to look great when you see them in some exotic souk but awful when you finally get them back home. They tend to start in my study and eventually get demoted to the garage or the loft.
I used to get a lot of rubber ducks on my birthdays as presents because, you know, I make rubber ducks. But then I get the ugliest ones with a neck, ugly colors, and devil ears. I don't like those.
There was a period when I was getting a lot of banana bread, because I mentioned someone cooked me banana bread, and then everyone cooked me baked stuff, and I would take it to the hotel, and it was making me fat.
