Professional Comedian Quotes

I loved stand-up, but I never thought you could do it as a job.

For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have turned it into a lucrative business.

Somewhat naively, I entered the BBC's 'New Talent Competition,' believing it was for people who had never tried comedy before. I remember sitting in the dressing room before the show and hearing the other acts - who all knew one another - talking to Rhod Gilbert about how he must be about ready to go 'full-time' as a comic.

But it's true, I was a sports organiser at Pontins - one of a series of terrible jobs I had before I started doing comedy full time.

Ambiguity around ambiguity is forgivable in an unpublished poet and expected of an arts student on the pull: for a professional comedian demoting himself to the role of 'thinker', with stadiums full of young people hanging on his every word, it won't really do.

I don't know how I've managed to reach the age of 45 as a professional comedian and not watched more 'Simpsons,' considering everyone says it's one of the best shows ever.

The quickest way to defuse fear or insecurity or anger is usually humor. I think comics figure that out quickly, and, once you figure it out, you think, 'Hey, if I can do this and get paid, that would be kind of cool.'

When I started acting, doing theater stuff at a young age, I was always the comic relief-type roles, so I knew I had a funny bone and could make groups of people laugh, but I didn't really take it seriously until I started getting paid on a weekly basis; then I was like, 'Oh, well, this could be a lifestyle.'

Sarah [Silverman] writes her own jokes. She doesn't just go through her life and talk about everything. She sits down and crafts jokes. Sometimes her inspiration comes from areas of her life that are risqué. But she is an A-plus professional joke-writer in addition to being very attractive and a great performer.

To give up my job as a temp and actually make a living doing comedy, it was staggering.

The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I'm pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it's a wonderful business to be in.

I always loved comedy, but in my mind, it wasn't a viable career option. I always thought, 'You go to college. You get a job, and then you pay off college.'

I don't go to comedy clubs unless I'm working. And when I do work, I come in, I do my time and I leave. I don't hang out.

I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.

I'm not a comic. There's twenty five percent of me that doesn't trust people who identify as comics.

My wife asked me if I ever thought I would ever retire from stand-up. And I thought about it, and I was like, 'No, because it's my job; it's what I do, and I enjoy it.' It's still the most challenging thing for me to do.

January 14, 2000, was my first time on stage, and I've been hooked ever since. I got discovered nationally in Seattle by the now-defunct HBO Comedy Festival, and that led to an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' and a path to a professional comedy career.