Everybody thinks for one moment when they're pregnant that they're actually carrying the spawn of the devil.
I was always a little worried, because I had heard different things from different people about their pregnancies; some people have to stay in bed for months... you never know what you're going to get.
On my daughter's first day of kindergarten, another mom said something that made me realize I had become my own Greek, suffocating mother. She said, 'Just think, in 13 years they'll leave us and go to college!' And I went, 'Gulp.'
And what does it matter when light enters the room where a child sleeps and the waking mother, opening her eyes, wishes more than anything to be unwakened by what she cannot name?
'I am a bad mother.' Every Christmas, this is what I think because the holiday season fills me with such anxiety. I'm sure that other mothers are happily baking cookies, decorating trees, and finding perfect gifts for everyone.
I'm trying to avoid, you know, guilt, even though before the child is born, you're already thinking you're doing things wrong... Why do I think that will probably carry over until the day you die?
The moment you get pregnant, you're tortured by the fear of not doing it well. But I feel at peace with that right now.
Like so many new moms, I felt anxiety over the impending birth of my daughter. However, most of the anxiety I felt was around the idea of raising a child. I wasn't focused on potential risks to my health or hers that could occur during the actual birth.
Sometimes you think you aren't a good mama; you always feel a bit guilty when you're a mom. You want to be everywhere.
I am not finding pregnancy much of a joy. I am afraid of childbirth, but I am afraid I can't find a way of avoiding it.
Every time I think I have something under control, it changes and I don't have it under control. I think it takes several years to get there. Jade is 19 months old, so right now I'm on alert all the time. And as a mom I think you're constantly worrying about things.
A lot of women act like it's the easiest decision, and I'm just going to have a baby and put my life on hold and not be worried about it. Well, I was worried.
For expectant mothers there's so much to think about - and so much to prepare for. In amongst those many thoughts and all the excitement are also some concerns, not least the serious worries for many about what will happen at work.
I get really upset seeing my friends who are mums crying because they feel like they're not good enough. Clever, confident, kind young women all going, 'I'm ruining my child's life.'
I am someone who worries a lot. I'm always worrying 'what if?' Now I'm a mum - there will be worries for the rest of my life, but they're not about me anymore.
Most mothers think they are bad mothers. We all make terrible mistakes, often, and always think we're getting it wrong.
It's funny, there are so many women who are former executives and have taken all that stress and anxiety and transferred it onto their kids.
Like any mum, I fear some mysterious illness befalling my children.
One of the darkest, deepest shames so many of us mothers feel nowadays is our fear that we are Bad Mothers, that we are failing our children and falling far short of our own ideals.
Actually I did not hold the baby immediately because I was not confident of myself. I was initially nervous to hold him, so I had to wait for a few days before I could a feel of him.
I'm always anxious when it comes to my kids. This always makes me feel very vulnerable. Sometimes you think you aren't a good mama, you always feel a bit guilty when you're a mom. You want to be everywhere.
In fact I have nightmares about having children. I want to carry a baby and feel the life within me and in my dream, I do. But every time after it's born, there's this incredible fear, this pounding pulse of fear. It's a real bad nightmare.
Instead of joyfully looking forward to my birth, my mother began systematically preparing for her own death. She was fatalistic.
