Mallory Ortberg Quotes

He looks like a choirboy and bites like a shark.

Memphis—it’s just a bird. Birds fly around, brother. It’s what they do. It’s not following you, and it’s not a sign. Unless you really did give it candy and flowers, in which case you are one strange brother.

Whither away, Bluebird, Whither away? The blast is chill, yet in the upper sky Thou still canst find the color of thy wing, The hue of May. Warbler, why speed, thy southern flight? ah, why, Thou, too, whose song first told us of the Spring? Whither away?

I am no more lonely than the loon on the pond that laughs so loud.

Sharp is the kiss of the falcon's beak.

For the poor wren (The most diminutive of birds) will fight, Her young ones in her nest, against the owl.

The parrots are great. They do something I refer to as "the Phone Call from Venus." They repeat all my phone conversations. It can very annoying - like having a lot of children in the house screaming.

Common hypocrites pass themselves off as doves; political and literary hypocrites pose as eagles. But don't be fooled by their eagle-like appearance. These are not eagles, but rats or dogs.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The chickadee and nuthatch are more inspiring society than statesmen and philosophers, and we shall return to these last as to more vulgar companions.

Maybe a mother wasn't what she seemed to be on the surface.

A serpent is a serpent, and none the less a viper, because it is nestled in the bosom of an honest-hearted man.

A liar is full of oaths.

Oh, how cowardly is wickedness always!

The nest may be constructed, so far as the sticks go, by the male bird; but only the hen can line it with moss and down!

I think in rural settings, people have a different appreciation for animals than might the city dweller. In parts of India where poisonous snake bite is common, people have a much different value system. I live in a city. I'm not thinking about wolves, lions, etc.

One faire day in winter makes not birds merrie.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?

Satan sent her from the bowels of hell, I should have recognized old Jezebel.

I'm not very interesting. Birds are interesting. I could stand there lip-synching all day long, but it would feel funny, and people would be able to tell. I'm not a good actress.

I wish we had all been born birds instead.

Look at that mallard as he floats on the lake; see his elevated head glittering with emerald green, his amber eyes glancing in the light! Even at this distance, he has marked you, and suspects that you bear no goodwill towards him, for he sees that you have a gun, and he has many a time been frightened by its report, or that of some other. The wary bird draws his feet under his body, springs upon then, opens his wings, and with loud quacks bids you farewell.

Always scorn appearances and you always may.