David Sedaris Quotes

Men really disgust me if they don't have a nice smile, nice lips and nice teeth...They have too many disgusting habits - like scratching themselves all the time. And it's really weird how guys think that passing gas is the funniest thing in the world. They love to do that thing in front of girls and laugh about it.

Political correctness is a bit like a granny, a maiden aunt arriving at a party when everyone's having a good time. And she comes in, they all start sort of buttoning up and becoming self-conscious and behaving properly and then when she leaves, you can have fun again.

Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude.

My dear fellow, the truth isn’t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl. What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!

Certain types of loudmouthism should be a capital offense among decent people.

My behavior is nonetheless, deplorable. Unfortunately, I'm quite prone to such bouts of deplorability--take for instance, my fondness for reading books at the dinner table.

How many times can you say, "No yanking on one another's genitals?" Everything is hilarious until someone starts crying.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

One shouldn't talk of halters in the hanged man's house.

Never laughing too loudly in a restaurant no matter how good the joke.

Howard and Shirley were clothed, always, in an invisible layer of decorum that they never laid aside.

Good general-purpose manners nowadays may be said to consist in knowing how much you can get away with.

The line between the public life and the private life has been erased, due to the rapid decline of manners and courtesy. There is a certain crudeness and crassness that has suddenly become accepted behavior, even desirable.

How do you prevent people from doing inappropriate things? We can write laws. But at the end of the day, I actually wonder what the board was doing.

For heaven’s sake, if you don’t know someone’s name, just pretend you do. Do that thing everyone else does, where you vaguely say, “Nice to see you!” and make weak eye contact.

To seem sorrowful is not in good taste: You're supposed to seem bored.

I'm afraid that's inappropriate behavior for the schoolyard," Xavier teased. "I know my charm is hard to resist, but please tray and control yourself.

You must be more gentle, dear, more sedate,' Ellen told her daughter. 'You must not interrupt gentlemen when they are speaking, even if you do think you know more about matters than they do. Gentlemen do not like forward girls.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

If you're going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass.

In general, we are sort of conditioned to see a different body type as acceptable and maybe look away when the other body type arrives.

You're incredibly beautiful,' I told her, because she was fat, so I thought it would be an especially nice compliment, and also make her like me again, even though I was sexist.

A wise man once said, never discuss philosophy or politics in a disco environment.

"Keep your hands to yourself!" might almost be put at the head of the first chapter of every book on etiquette.

Good manners can replace morals. It may be years before anyone knows if what you are doing is right. But if what you are doing is nice, it will be immediately evident.