Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

"How could you think of such awful things?" liberal critics always ask. "How else could I possibly amuse myself?" I always wonder.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

Making people uncomfortable is one of my hobbies. I'm always hoping that half the people get the joke and the other half are the joke.

I have written on all sorts of subjects... yet I have no enemies; except indeed all the Whigs, all the Tories, and all the Christians.

I try to make the majority of my audience laugh. That's my audience. They'll laugh at the dead terrorist.

My favourite game is Postal because it is so politically incorrect.

My whole career has been an Ann Coulter roast.

I need my comedy to offend. That's my personal views.

I think Donald Trump is a complete and utter buffoon and a cancer to our society.

If I were to die tomorrow, I think they'd say Newman 56, composer of the hit song, Short People. Jumped off a mountain today.

From the start, I've always admired Eminem's thinking. That's the reason I wanted to appear on the Grammys with him when I was asked. Eminem has the balls to say what he feels and to make offensive things funny. That's very necessary today in America, with people being muzzled and irony becoming a lost art. Artists like Eminem who use their free speech to get a point across are vitally important. There just aren't many people in the world with balls that big and talent that awesome.

So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, raped him with a corncob, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as "the soul." So I hit him. What would you do?

As your governor, you’re going to be seeing a lot of me on the front page, saying ‘Governor LePage tells Obama to go to hell.’

I think Ted Cruz is a very mean-spirited guy. You can see it from how the Republican Party responds to him.

Personally, I think that Hillary was one of the worst, if not the worst, I mean if you look at the record, secretary of States ever, ever in this country. I think that's the bigger problem that she's got. I don't think Benghazi is as big a problem for her as her past and what's happened. The world blew up around her.

[People] know what [Donald] Trump wants. They are fascinated with the idea, "Can Trump really get this?" Because Trump, there's nothing professional about him.

Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.

When I'm watching South Park I don't think it's written by neo-Nazis. They know exactly what they're doing.

Everyone has to take Donald Trump seriously, and I think that's what we're seeing.

I also believe in cigarettes, cholesterol, alcohol, carbon monoxide, masturbation, the Arts Council, nuclear weapons, the Daily Telegraph, and not properly labeling fatal poisons, but above all else, most of all, I believe in the one thing that can come out of people's mouths: vomit.

By the way, I have trouble listening to what [Cheney] says sometimes because of the blood that drips from his teeth while he’s talking, but my response is this: he’s just angry because the president doesn’t shoot old men in the face. But by the way, when he was done speaking, did he just then turn into a bat and fly away?

I think one thing we share [with my wife] is a complete bottomless disdain for Bill Clinton.

Well: the day is a poem but too much Like one of Jeffers's, crusted with blood and barbaric omens Painful to excess, inhuman as a hawk's cry.

Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face.