Woody Allen

(Heywood "Woody" Allen)

Woody Allen
Woody Allen
  • Born: December 1, 1935
  • Nationality: American
  • Profession: Director, Writer, Actor, Comedian

79

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7

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34

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Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen fourth on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third-greatest comedian.

Quotes About
Author Quote
Quotes
Quote Topics Cited
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Capital Punishment, Dealth Penalty & State Execution
He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
I believe there's something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government Privacy, Abortion & Family Planning
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Policy & Policy Making
The lion shall lie down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t get much sleep. Negotiating & Negotiations
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition Religion & God
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Nature ;Religion & God
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Families, Children & Parenting
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Eighty percent of success is showing up. Success
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Death
I am two with nature. Nature
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. Government
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Life ;Humor
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Death ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Humor
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Humor
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. War & Peace
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Religion & God
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Religion & God
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. Failure
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Death
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Death
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Life ;Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Life
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Life
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Marriage is the death of hope. Hope ;Death ;Families, Children & Parenting
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Money, Coins & Minting
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. Time
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Life ;Humor
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Religion & God
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . Death
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. Money, Coins & Minting
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Life ;Success
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Time ;Nature
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Religion & God
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture