Mark Twain

(Samuel Langhorne Clemens)

Mark Twain
Mark Twain
  • Born: November 30, 1835
  • Died: April 21, 1910
  • Nationality: American
  • Profession: Author

456

Quotes

254

Citations

711

Concepts

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Videos

Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, entrepreneur, publisher and lecturer. Among his novels are The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876) and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called "The Great American Novel".

Quotes About
Author Quote
Hal Holbrook You can go into Mark Twain's material and prove anything you want. He was against war. He was for war. He was against rich people and he was for them. He was a kaleidoscope.
Kid Rock I bought a book of Mark Twain quotes. That's about my speed. I'll read a couple quotes and put it down.
Kinky Friedman Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.
Dick Van Dyke Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him.
John Grisham My mum was never too keen on TV, so we kids all went to the library and got books out. Right from the start, I loved the works of Mark Twain. Every time I read about Tom Sawyer, I'd go out and do something low-level naughty, just like him.
Jackson Browne I grew up reading Shakespeare and Mark Twain.
Hunter S. Thompson There are a lot of ways to practice the art of journalism, and one of them is to use your art like a hammer to destroy the right people — who are almost always your enemies, for one reason or another, and who usually deserve to be crippled, because they are wrong. This is a dangerous notion, and very few professional journalists will endorse it — calling it "vengeful" and "primitive" and "perverse" regardless of how often they might do the same thing themselves. "That kind of stuff is opinion," they say, "and the reader is cheated if it's not labelled as opinion." Well, maybe so. Maybe Tom Paine cheated his readers and Mark Twain was a devious fraud with no morals at all who used journalism for his own foul ends. And maybe H. L. Mencken should have been locked up for trying to pass off his opinions on gullible readers and normal "objective journalism." Mencken understood that politics — as used in journalism — was the art of controlling his environment, and he made no apologies for it. In my case, using what politely might be called "advocacy journalism," I've used reporting as a weapon to affect political situations that bear down on my environment.
Pete Seeger Did Lincoln hate America when he voted against the Mexican War? Did Mark Twain hate America when he made speeches against the Spanish American War? If you love your country you will find ways to speak out …
Quotes
Quote Topics Cited
... a man's first duty is to his own conscience and honor; the party and country come second to that, and never first. Citizenship & Patriotism
...history can carry on no successful competition with news, in the matter of sharp interest. When an eye-witness sets down in narrative form some extraordinary occurrence which he has witnessed, that is news -- that is the news form, and its interest is absolutely indestructible; time can have no deteriorating effect upon that episode. Media, Journalism & The Press
...I never can think of Judas Iscariot without losing my temper. To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature, Congressman. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
...it's so hard to find men of a so high type of morals that they'll stay bought. Corruption
...nations have no command over their governments, & in fact no influence over them, except of a fleeting & rather ineffectual sort. Democracies & Republics
...no country can be well governed unless its citizens as a body keep religiously before their minds that they are the guardians of the law and that the law officers are only the machinery for its execution, nothing more. Democracies & Republics
...on every sin which a colored man commits, the just white man must make a considerable discount, because of the colored man's antecedents. The heirs of slavery cannot with any sort of justice, be required to be as clear and straight and upright as the heirs of ancient freedom. And besides, whenever a colored man commits an unright action, upon his head is the guilt of only about one tenth of it, and upon your heads and mine and the rest of the white race lies fairly and justly the other nine tenths of the guilt. Minorities & Women ;Slaves, Slavery & The Slave Trade
...our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
...the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
...the liberty of the Press is called the Palladium of Freedom, which means, in these days, the liberty of being deceived, swindled, and humbugged by the Press and paying hugely for the deception. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
...the smallest minds and the selfishest souls and the cowardliest hearts that God makes. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
...the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation ALL the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it. Nationalism & Treason ;Citizenship & Patriotism
...to make a pledge of any kind is to declare war against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is always clanking and reminding the wearer of it that he is not a free man. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Leaders & Leadership ;Compliments, Insults & Rebukes ;Dictators, Despots, Autocrats, Autocracies & Dictatorships
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes ;Dictators, Despots, Autocrats, Autocracies & Dictatorships
[A] representative of... a government whose Three Graces are Tyranny, Rapacity, Blood. Leaders & Leadership ;Dictators, Despots, Autocrats, Autocracies & Dictatorships
[Humanity] is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong, but no matter, the crowd follows it. Minorities & Women
[In America] there is no end to the laws and no beginning to the execution of them. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
[Napoleon Bonaparte] Bonaparte instituted the setting of merit above birth, and also so completely stripped the divinity from royalty that, whereas crowned heads in Europe were gods before, they are only men since, and can never be gods again, but only figure-heads, and answerable for their acts like common clay. Such benefactions as these compensate the temporary harm which Bonaparte and the Revolution did, and leave the world in debt to them for these great and permanent services to liberty, humanity, and progress. Propaganda & Disinformation
… a country's laws are written upon paper, and that its customs are engraved upon brass. One may play with the one, but not with the other. It is less risky for a stranger to dance upon our Constitution in the public square than to affront one of our solidified customs. The one is merely eminently respectable, the other is sacred. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
… at the close of the Spanish-American War the United States paid poor decrepit old Spain $20,000,000 for the Philippines. It was just a case of this country buying its way into good society. Honestly, when I read in the papers that this deal had been made, I laughed until my sides ached. There were the Filipinos fighting like blazes for their liberty. Spain would not hear to it. The United States stepped in, and after they had licked the enemy to a standstill, instead of freeing the Filipinos they paid that enormous amount for an island which is of no earthly account to us; just wanted to be like the aristocratic countries of Europe which have possessions in foreign waters. The United States wanted to be in the swim, and it, too, had to branch out, like an American heiress buying a Duke or an Earl. Expansionism, Colonialism & Imperialism
… every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
… in a republic where all are free and equal--prosperity and position constitute rank. Equality & Equal Opportunity
… in a republic, who is "the Country"? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is "the Country"? Is it the newspaper? is it the pulpit? Is it the school superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in a thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Who are the thousand--that is to say, who are "the Country"? States. Nations & Nationhood
… loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
… my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
… my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country; not to its institutions or it’s office holders.. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
… nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
… no civilization can be perfect until exact equality between man and woman is included. Equality & Equal Opportunity
… patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest. Nationalism & Treason ;Citizenship & Patriotism
… since the women started out on their crusade they have scored in every project they undertook against unjust laws. I would like to see them help make the laws and those who are to enforce them. I would like to see the whiplash in women's hands. Minorities & Women
… the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race … Properly the Jew ought hardly to be hears of; but he is hears of, has always been heard of … His contributions to the world’s list of great names in literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, and abstruse learning are way out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. Minorities & Women
… the principle of give and take--give one and take ten--the principle of diplomacy. Negotiating & Negotiations
… the thug is aware that loudness convinces 60 persons where reasoning convinces but one.. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
… there isn’t anything you can’t stand if you are only born and bred to it.. Human Nature
… we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world. Corruption
… when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me. Freedom & Liberty
… when we know a thing we have only scorn for other people who don’t happen to know it. Human Nature
… where every man in a state has a vote, brutal laws are impossible. Voters, Voting & Elections
A country which cannot afford Ambassadors' wages should be ashamed to have Ambassadors.
A country without a patent office and good patent laws was just a crab and couldn't travel anyway but sideways and backwards. Copyrights, Patents & Intellectual Property
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar at the bottom. Public Works & Natural Resources
A historian who would convey the truth must lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it. History
A little citizenship ought to be taught at the mother’s knee and in the nursery. Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. Citizenship & Patriotism
A man may plan as much as he wants to, but nothing of consequence is likely to come of it until the magician circumstance steps in and takes the matter off his hands. Management & Managing Government
A railroad is a ravenous destroyer of towns, unless those towns are put at the end of it and a sea beyond, so that you can't go further and find another terminus. And it is shaky trusting them, even then Transportation
A statesman gains little by the arbitrary exercise of ironclad authority upon all occasions that offer, for this wounds the just pride of his subordinates, and thus tends to undermine his strength. A little concession, now and then, where it can do no harm is the wiser policy Leaders & Leadership
Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
All good things arrive unto them that wait – and don’t die in the meantime Miscellaneous
All that we require of a voter is that he shall be forked, wear pantaloons instead of petticoats, and bear a more or less humorous resemblance to the reported image of God. He need not know anything whatever; he may be wholly useless and a cumberer of the earth; he may even be known to be a consummate scoundrel. No matter. While he can steer clear of the penitentiary his vote is as weighty as the vote of a president, a bishop, a college professor, a merchant prince. We brag of our universal, unrestricted suffrage; but we are shams after all, for we restrict when we come to the women. Voters, Voting & Elections
All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it. War & Peace
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
Always respect your superiors, if you have any. Equality & Equal Opportunity
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before. States. Nations & Nationhood
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before. Ethnic Groups
An honest man in politics shines more there than he would elsewhere. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
An inglorious peace is better than a dishonorable war. War & Peace
And now, here I was in a country where a right to say how the country should be governed was restricted to six in each thousand of its population. For the 994 to express dissatisfaction with the … system and propose to change it, would have made the whole 6 shudder as one man … It seemed to me that what the 994 dupes needed was a new deal. Slogans & Mottoes
Arguments have no chance against petrified training; they wear it as little as the waves wear a cliff. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
As an active privilege, it [freedom of speech] ranks with the privilege of committing murder; we may exercise it if we are willing to take the consequences. Freedom & Liberty
Blasphemy? No, it is not blasphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy; if He is as little as that, He is beneath it. Religion & God
But men's hearts are so made that the sight of one voluntary victim for a noble idea stirs them more deeply than the sight of a crowd submitting to a dire fate they cannot escape. Human Nature
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity--another man's I mean. Miscellaneous
Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. Citizenship & Patriotism
Citizenship should be placed above everything else, even learning. Citizenship & Patriotism
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. Development & Growth
Civilization largely consists in hiding human nature. When the barbarian learns to hide it we account him enlightened. Human Nature
Communism is idiocy. They want to divide up the property. Suppose they did it -- it requires brains to keep money as well as make it. In a precious little while the money would be back in the former owner's hands and the communist would be poor again. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Concentration of power in a political machine is bad.. Power
Conformity--the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority. Human Nature
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Human Nature
Custom is petrification; nothing but dynamite can dislodge it for a century. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden. Miscellaneous
Doesn't make any difference who we are or what we are, there's always somebody to look down on. Discrimination & Prejudice
During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after eight hundred years, gathered up its halters, thumb-screws, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry.....There are no witches. The witch text remains; only the practice has changed. Religion & God
Eloquence is the essential thing in a speech, not information. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Even if the Jews have not all been geniuses, their general average of intelligence and intellectuality is far above our general average--and that is one of our reasons for wishing to drive them out of the higher forms of business and the professions. It is the swollen envy of pigmy minds--meanness, injustice. Discrimination & Prejudice
Even if you’re on the right track, you can get run over if your not going fast enough. Miscellaneous
Every great invention takes a livelihood away from 50,000 men--& within ten years creates a livelihood for half a million. Science, Mathematics, Engineering & Technology
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog. Miscellaneous
Evidence...proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it. Alcohol, Tobacco & Other Drugs
Evidence...proves that prohibition only drives drunkenness behind doors and into dark places, and does not cure it or even diminish it. Alcohol, Tobacco & Other Drugs
Evolution is a blind giant who rolls a snowball down a hill. The ball is made of flakes--circumstances. They contribute to the mass without knowing it. They adhere without intention, and without foreseeing what is to result. When they see the result they marvel at the monster ball and wonder how the contriving of it came to be originally thought out and planned. Whereas there was no such planning, there was only a law: the ball once started, all the circumstances that happened to lie in its path would help to build it, in spite of themselves. Science, Mathematics, Engineering & Technology
Faith is believing what you know ain’t so. Human Nature
First, God made idiots, but that was just for practice. Then he made school boards. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
He lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue. Human Nature
History doesn’t repeat itself, but it rhymes. History
History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
How empty is theory in the presence of fact! Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
How unfortunate and how narrowing a thing it is for a man to have wealth who makes a god of it instead of a servant. Human Nature
How you can win the population for war: At first, the statesman will invent cheap lying, that impute the guilt of the attacked nation, and each person will be happy over this deceit, that calm the conscience. It will study it detailed and refuse to test arguments of the other opinion. So he will convince step for step even therefrom that the war is just and thank God, that he, after this process of grotesque even deceit, can sleep better Propaganda & Disinformation
Human beings feel dishonor the most, sometimes, when they most deserve it. Human Nature
I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Rebellion, Revolution, Insurgency & Resistance
I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons in any other land. Expansionism, Colonialism & Imperialism
I am said to be a revolutionist in my sympathies, by birth, by breeding and by principle. I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. Rebellion, Revolution, Insurgency & Resistance
I do not know why we respect missionaries. Perhaps it is because they have not intruded here from Turkey or China or Polynesia to break our hearts by sapping away our children's faith & winning them to the worship of alien gods. We have lacked the opportunity to find out how a parent feels to see his child deriding & blaspheming the religion of its ancestors. Religion & God
I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed except the answer to prayer Foreign Trade
I learned to pull wires in the Washoe Legislature, & my experience is, that when a bill is to be put through a body like that, the only thing necessary to insure success is to get the reporters to log-roll for it. Lobbying & Special Interests
I not only advocate it now, but have advocated it earnestly for the last fifty years. As to the militant suffragettes, I have noted that many women believe in militant methods. You might advocate one way of securing the rights and I might advocate another, they both might help to bring about the result desired. To win freedom always involves hard fighting. I believe in women doing what they deem necessary to secure their rights. Minorities & Women
I regard the poor man, in his present condition, as so much wasted raw material. Cut up and properly canned, he might be made useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal islands and to improve our export trade in that region. I shall recommend legislation upon the subject in my first message. My campaign cry will be: "Dessicate the poor working-man; stuff him into sausages.” Poverty
I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. … I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other. Minorities & Women
I suppose that an honest man shines more in politics than he does elsewhere. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
I was a mugwump. We, the mugwumps, a little company made up of the unenslaved of both parties, the very best men to be found in the two great parties--that was our idea of it--voted sixty thousand strong for Mr. Cleveland in New York and elected him. Our principles were high, and very definite. We were not a party; we had no candidates; we had no axes to grind. Our vote laid upon the man we cast it for no obligation of any kind. By our rule we could not ask for office; we could not accept office. When voting, it was our duty to vote for the best man, regardless of his party name. We had no other creed. Vote for the best man--that was creed enough. Political Parties & Machines
If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be—a Christian. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
If we had less statesmanship, we would get along with fewer battleships. Discrimination & Prejudice
If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. Human Nature
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money. Human Nature
In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead. In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead. Freedom & Liberty
In my experience, only third-rate intelligence is sent to Legislatures to make laws, because the first-rate article will not leave important private interests go unwatched to go and serve the public for a beggarly four or five dollars a day, and a miserably trivial distinction Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
In order to know a community, one must observe the styles of its funerals and know what manner of men they bury with most ceremony. Miscellaneous ;Social Sciences
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Discrimination & Prejudice
In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. Nationalism & Treason ;Citizenship & Patriotism
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Independence .... is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
Irreverence is another person's disrespect to your god; there isn't any word that tells what your disrespect to his god is. Religion & God
Is it, perhaps, possible that there are two kinds of Civilization--one for home consumption and one for the heathen market? Miscellaneous
It is a free press...There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press. Media, Journalism & The Press
It is better to deserve honors and not have them, than to have them and not deserve them.. Memorials, Monuments, Medals, Statues & Buildings
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. Freedom & Liberty
It is curious--curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare. Human Nature
It is easier to stay out than get out. Foreign Policy, World & International Affairs
It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago--she outgrows her prophecies faster than she can make them. She is always a novelty; for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time. Development & Growth
It is not parties that make or save countries or that build them to greatness. It is clean men, clean ordinary citizens, the masses. Political Parties & Machines
It is not worthwhile to try to keep history from repeating itself, for man’s character will always make the preventing of the repetitions impossible. Human Nature
It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbor adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of his … Defense & National Security
It takes a thousand men to invent a telegraph, or a steam engine, or a phonograph, or a photograph, or a telephone, or any other Important thing--and the last man gets the credit and we forget the others. Science, Mathematics, Engineering & Technology
Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. Human Nature
Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws … Expansionism, Colonialism & Imperialism
Loyalty is a word which has worked vast harm; for it has been made to trick men into being "loyal" to a thousand iniquities Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world--and never will. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.... Religion & God
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Human Nature
Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out...and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel. ..And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man"--with his mouth. War & Peace
Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. Public Relations & Image
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
Morals are an acquirement -- like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis -- no man is born with them. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the texts that authorized them remain [in the Bible.] Capital Punishment, Dealth Penalty & State Execution
Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
No matter how healthy a man's morals may be when he enters the White House, he comes out again with a pock-marked soul. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
No people in the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion. Freedom & Liberty
No people in the world ever did achieve their freedom by goody-goody talk and moral suasion: it being immutable law that all revolutions that will succeed must being in blood, whatever may answer afterward. Rebellion, Revolution, Insurgency & Resistance
None are so ready to find fault with others as those who do things worthy of blame themselves. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
Nothing needs reforming more than someone else’s habit. Religion & God
Of all our public men of today he stands first in my reverence & admiration, & the next one stands two-hundred-&-twenty-fifth. He is the only statesman we have now. ... Cleveland drunk is a more valuable asset to this country than the whole batch of the rest of our public men sober. He is high-minded; all his impulses are great & pure & fine. I wish we had another of this sort. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one--the solitary one--that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices--the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Often the less there is to justify a traditional custom the harder it is to get rid it. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
On the whole, it is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. Memorials, Monuments, Medals, Statues & Buildings
One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. Miscellaneous
One of the most admirable things about history is, that almost as a rule we get as much information out of what it does not say as we get out of what it does say.… history consists of two equal parts; one of these halves is statements of fact, the other half is inference, drawn from the facts. To the experienced student of history there are no difficulties about this; to him the half which is unwritten is as clearly and surely visible, by the help of scientific inference, as if it flashed and flamed in letters of fire before his eyes. When the practiced eye of the simple peasant sees the half of a frog projecting above the water, he unerringly infers the half of the frog which he does not see. To the expert student in our great science, history is a frog; half of it is submerged, but he knows it is there, and he knows the shape of it. History
One of the very most useful of all inventions, but rendered almost worthless & a cold & deliberate theft & swindle by the black scoundrelism & selfishness of the companies of chartered robbers who conduct it. Science, Mathematics, Engineering & Technology
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Religion & God ;Copyrights, Patents & Intellectual Property
Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'. Miscellaneous
Our Civil War was a blot on our history, but not as great a blot as the buying and selling of Negro souls. History ;Slaves, Slavery & The Slave Trade
Our heroes are the men who do things which we recognize with regret and sometimes with a secret shame that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself there would be no heroes. Human Nature
Politicians are like diapers; they need to be changed often and for the same reason Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Prosperity is the best protector of principle. Miscellaneous
PUBLIC SERVANT: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft. Detriments & Qualifications ;Public Office: Benefits
Public shows of honor are pleasant, but private ones are pleasanter, because they are above suspicion. Memorials, Monuments, Medals, Statues & Buildings
Right here in this heart and home and fountain-head of law--in this great factory where are forged those rules that create good order and compel virtue and honesty in the other communities of the land, rascality achieves its highest perfection. Here rewards are conferred for conniving at dishonesty, but never for exposing it Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Right now some future general is lying in his crib trying to get his big toe in his mouth. Such was probably the case of our guest of honor tonight. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: "Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor's religion is." Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. Religion & God
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are just putting us on [and acting stupid], or by imbeciles who really mean it. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Speaking in general terms it was always easy to get any print to say any injurious thing about a citizen in a newspaper, but it was next to impossible to get that paper or any other to right an injured man. Media, Journalism & The Press
Territorial Governors -- are nothing but politicians who go out to the outskirts of countries and suffer the privations there in order to build up stakes and come back as United States Senators. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. Public Opinion & Polling
That desire which is in us all to better other people's condition by having them think as we think. Human Nature
That is just the way it is with some people. They will get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it. Human Nature
That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. Human Nature
The aim of democracy is harmony, it’s goal is brotherhood. Democracies & Republics
The audience likes a speaker with the same weakness and the same virtues that they themselves have. Human Nature
The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded the world over; and a privileged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest ;Slaves, Slavery & The Slave Trade
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice changes...The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it… Religion & God
The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetics in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. Religion & God
The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
The Church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
The Constitution has made America an asylum for the poor and oppressed of all nations. Constitution / Bills & Declaratiobns of Rights
The English-Speaking race will dominate the earth a hundred years from now, if the sections do not get to fighting with each other. English, Languages & Bilingualism
The fact is the human race is not only slow about borrowing valuable ideas--it sometimes persists in not borrowing them at all. Human Nature
The Gilded Age: A Tale of Today History
The government is not best which secures mere life and property -- there is a more valuable thing -- manhood. Human Nature
the high moral ones cost more because they give tone to a measure. Corruption
The human race consists of the dangerously insane and such as are not. Human Nature
The human race is a race of cowards. I am not only marching with them but am carrying the banner. Human Nature
The human race is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. Human Nature
The lack of money is the root of all evil. Money, Coins & Minting ;Poverty
The lottery is a government institution & the poor its best patrons. Human Nature
The man with a new idea is a crank until his idea succeeds. Human Nature
The mania for giving the Government power to meddle with the private affairs of cities or citizens is likely to cause endless trouble, through the rivalry of schools and creeds that are anxious to obtain official recognition, and there is great danger that our people will lose our independence of thought and action which is the cause of much of our greatness, and sink into the helplessness of the Frenchman or German who expects his government to feed him when hungry, clothe him when naked, to prescribe when his child may be born and when he may die, and, in fine, to regulate every act of humanity from the cradle to the tomb, including the manner in which he may seek future admission to paradise. Power
The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nations, and from the mass of the nation only—not from its privileged classes. Leaders & Leadership
The minor events of history are valuable, although not always showy and picturesque. History
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
The new political gospel: public office is private graft. Corruption
The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted. Human Nature
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not Health, Healthcare & Medicine
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. Health, Healthcare & Medicine
The peoples furthest from civilization are the ones where equality between man and woman are furthest apart Discrimination & Prejudice
The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is--a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers. But a mob without any MAN at the head of it is BENEATH pitifulness. Civil Disorder, Riots, Protests & Demonstrations
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right. Loyalty & Loyalty Oaths
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. Liberals & Conservatives
The rain ...falls upon the just and the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were superintending the rain's affairs. Justice & Injustice
The slowness of one section of the world about adopting the valuable ideas of another section of it is a curious thing and unaccountable. This form of stupidity is confined to no community, to no nation; it is universal. The fat is the human race is not only slow about borrowing valuable ideas—but sometimes persists in not borrowing them at all. Human Nature
The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it. Human Nature
The thing which has made Labor great & powerful is labor-saving machinery--& nothing else in the world could have done it. It has been labor's savior, benefactor; but Labor doesn't know it, & would ignorantly crucify it. But that is human & natural. Labor Unions, Labor Relations & Strikes
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. History
The wronger a conspiracy is, the better it is. Miscellaneous
Theodore Roosevelt would go to Halifax for half a chance to show off and to Hell for a whole one. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he less savage than the other savages. Miscellaneous
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate [on the Stock Market]: when he can't afford it, and when he can. Business, Commerce & Finance
There are wise people who talk ever so knowingly and complacently about "the working classes," and satisfy themselves that a day's hard intellectual work is very much harder than a day's hard manual toil, and is righteously entitled to much bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you know, because they all know about the one, but haven't tried the other. But I know all about both; and as far as I am concerned, there isn't money enough in the universe to hire me to swing a pickaxe thirty days, but I will do the hardest kind of intellectual work for just as near nothing as you can cipher it down--and I will be satisfied, too. Intellectual "work" is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation and its own highest reward. The poorest paid architect, engineer, general, author, sculptor, painter, lecturer, advocate, legislator, actor, preacher, singer, is constructively in heaven when he is at work; and as for the magician with the fiddle-bow in his hand who sits in the midst of a great orchestra with the ebbing and flowing tides of divine sound washing over him--why certainly, he is at work, if you wish to call it that, but lord, it's a sarcasm just the same. The law of work does seem utterly unfair--but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, also. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him--early. Religion & God
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. Human Nature
There is Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables up to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Families, Children & Parenting
There is no sadder thing than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. Human Nature
There is nothing in the world like persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
There isn't a rich man in your vast city who doesn't perjure himself every year before the tax board. They are all caked with perjury, many layers thick. Iron-clad, so to speak. If there is one that isn't, I desire to acquire him for my museum, and will pay Dinosaur rates. Taxes
There's a breed of humility which is itself a species of showing off. Leaders & Leadership
There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule--and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time. Freedom & Liberty
They are a harmless race when white men either let them alone or treat them no worse than dogs; in fact they are almost entirely harmless anyhow, for they seldom think of resenting the vilest insults or the cruelest injuries. They are quiet, peaceable, tractable, free from drunkenness, and they are as industrious as the day is long. A disorderly Chinaman is rare, and a lazy one does not exist. Discrimination & Prejudice
They want to send me abroad, as a Consul or a Minister …. Good knows, I am mean enough and lazy enough without being a foreign consul. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Religion & God
This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. Foreign Policy, World & International Affairs
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered--either by themselves or by others. Human Nature
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the on-looking world consent to it is a finer. Leaders & Leadership
We are all missionaries (propagandists of our views). Each of us disapproves of the other missionaries. Propaganda & Disinformation
We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty. Freedom & Liberty
We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change places with an easy and blessed facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it. Human Nature
We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains--chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment--in a word, Circumstance--and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain. Freedom & Liberty
We build a fire in a powder magazine, then double the fire department to put it out. We inflame wild beasts with the smell of blood, and then innocently wonder at the wave of brutal appetite that sweeps the land as a consequence. War & Peace
We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us. Religion & God
We ought never to do wrong when anyone is looking. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking. Morality, Ethics & Conflict of Interest
What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. Development & Growth
When I am king, they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
When in doubt, tell the truth. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Reform, Change, Transformation & Reformers
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect). Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues. Corruption
Women, go your ways! Seek not to beguile us of our imperial privileges. Content yourself with your little feminine trifles -- your babies, your benevolent societies and your knitting--and let your natural bosses do the voting. Stand back -- you will be wanting to go to war next. We will let you teach school as much as you want to, and we will pay you half wages for it, too, but beware! we don't want you to crowd us too much. Discrimination & Prejudice
Your notion and mine about polygamy is without doubt exactly the same; but you probably think we have some cause of quarrel with those people for putting it into their religion, whereas I think the opposite. Considering our complacent cant about this country of ours being the home of liberty of conscience, it seems to me that the attitude of our Congress and people toward the Mormon Church is matter for limitless laughter and derision. The Mormon religion is a religion: the negative vote of all of the rest of the globe could not break down that fact; and so I shall probably always go on thinking that the attitude of our Congress and nation toward it is merely good trivial stuff to make fun of. Families, Children & Parenting
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Communication & Communications
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. Success
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. Time
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
All generalizations are false, including this one. Humor
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Life ;Success
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Health, Healthcare & Medicine
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Society ;Power
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. Death
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Life
Don't let schooling interfere with your education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Humor
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Truth
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Humor
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Humor
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. Religion & God
Golf is a good walk spoiled. Sports & Athletics
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Life
Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Money, Coins & Minting
How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. Humor
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. Humor
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.' Life
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Death
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. Intelligence, Spying, Espionage & Covert Operations
I never let schooling interfere with my education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time. Time
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first. Morning
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Truth
In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training ;Religion & God
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. Religion & God ;Freedom & Liberty
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it. Life
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Communication & Communications
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Sports & Athletics
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Truth
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
I've never let my school interfere with my education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Life
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. Hope ;Health, Healthcare & Medicine
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. Government
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired. Religion & God ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Life ;Success ;Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. Citizenship & Patriotism
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Time
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. Business, Commerce & Finance
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. New Years
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. Time
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. Health, Healthcare & Medicine
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. Life ;Time ;Death
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this. Society
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Health, Healthcare & Medicine
The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Death ;Humor
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. Motivation
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. Humor
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. History
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. Happiness & Unhappiness
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. Truth
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Truth
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Truth
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
We are all alike, on the inside.
We have the best government that money can buy. Government ;Money, Coins & Minting
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. Life
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
When in doubt tell the truth. Truth
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. Respect
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Life
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Time ;Business, Commerce & Finance
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. Truth
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation. Families, Children & Parenting
Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. Communication & Communications
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.