Johnny Carson

(John William Carson)

Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson
  • Born: October 23, 1925
  • Died: January 23, 2005
  • Nationality: American
  • Profession: Comedian









Quote Topics Cited
It’s the Vietnam Flu. It lasts for most of the year and goes away two weeks before election day. Voters, Voting & Elections
May you be as rich as a Republican and have the sex life of a Democrat. Liberals & Conservatives
No more Nixon jokes. He is a sick man and we just can’t do that. Media, Journalism & The Press
No more Nixon jokes. He’s a sick man. Media, Journalism & The Press
The Japanese already own the country. Let them pick the president. Foreign Trade
The Surgeon General tells us that we should eat less fat and more fiber. Did you ever take a good look at him? He didn’t get that spare tire around his waist by eating trail mix. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. Death
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Death
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. Happiness & Unhappiness
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. Health, Healthcare & Medicine ;Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. Humor
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. Humor
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Life
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Life
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. Life ;Families, Children & Parenting
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Time
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Families, Children & Parenting
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day. Success ;Business, Commerce & Finance
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. Health, Healthcare & Medicine ;Success ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. Time
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' Time ;Success
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. Freedom & Liberty ;Money, Coins & Minting
We're more effective than birth control pills.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.

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