George Carlin

(George Denis Patrick Carlin)

Quotes
Quote Topics Cited
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. Oratory, Discussion & Debate
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. Taxes
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. Death ;Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off. Education, Learning, Knowledge & Training
It seems strange to put prostitutes in prison for selling something that is perfectly legal to give away for free. Law, Courts, Jails, Crime & Law Enforcement
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, / For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. / America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, / And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. Environment & Environmentalism
Politics is so corrupt that even the dishonest people get fucked. Corruption
Religion was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were taught in all the other classes. Compliments, Insults & Rebukes
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. Time ;Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. Arts, Culture, Entertainment & Lifestyle
Think about how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. Human Nature
Always do whatever's next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. Death
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. Truth ;Communication & Communications
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. Time ;Death
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning. Humor
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Humor
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. Time ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. Humor
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Money, Coins & Minting ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Religion is just mind control. Religion & God
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Families, Children & Parenting
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. Time
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Future
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Humor
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Freedom & Liberty
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? Travel
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. Life
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.