Demetri Martin

(Demetri Evan Martin)

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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. Morning
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. Money, Coins & Minting
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Freedom & Liberty
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Time
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' Religion & God
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out. Humor
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. Time
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex ;Families, Children & Parenting ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. Morning ;Nutrition, Food, Starvation, Farming & Agriculture
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! Women ;Trust
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex ;Women
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. Politics, Politicians & Political Campaigning & Fund Raising
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. Humor
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Money, Coins & Minting
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. Humor
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' Morning ;Hope
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. Work, Workers & The Labor Force
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Sports & Athletics
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Humor
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex ;Success ;Work, Workers & The Labor Force
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. Time
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Humor
I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. Humor
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. Life
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. Time
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' Hope
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
People only have so much attention.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. Music, Chants & Rapps
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. Love, Romance, Marriage & Sex
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. Humor
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. Romantic
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. Sports & Athletics
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. Humor
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Science, Mathematics, Engineering & Technology
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Time
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. Time
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. Freedom & Liberty
To me, comedy is a game.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. Time
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

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